My Mom is a very vulnerable individual, so weak, so depressed and sad. She has some good days but for the most part she appears to be a very sad woman. She barely walks and has these petite little legs with a very blown up mid-section due to liver and kidney failure mixed with an unhealthy diet full of sugars. I guess sugar is what she craves all the time which probably has a lot to do with her alcoholism as she spent so many years of her life drinking spirits mixed with coca-cola. When I was young I remember her drinking lots of beer but in my later years of teenage-hood and early adulthood I only remember it being spirits: rum, rye, vodka, probably triples. By the end of her days of drinking it would only take one drink to turn her into a different person. I don't know for sure how strong she would mix them but I can imagine when your liver and kidneys quit breaking down the alcohol you end up getting drunk faster. Memories of my Mom from my childhood are mixed: good, bad. I remember her caring for me as a very young child when I was sick. She was so loving and affectionate. My Mom loves hugs. I remember the comfort of my Mom's hugs as a very young child but it must have been while I was a toddler because all my memories of her hugs since about 8 years of age are not so comforting and filled with love. I know though that the way the human mind works, it is those memories with the strongest emotion attached that are most vivid.
When my Mom was a drinker I remember her wanting hugs to last forever and feeling really uncomfortable at the length she'd hold me for. I was always the one to pull away. It was sad for me and the mixture of emotion I'd feel would make me want to get far away from it all. This mixture of emotion I felt back then is similar to how I feel sometimes when I want to get far away from my partner during one of what he'd probably call one of my "episodes." To put words to the emotions best I can, I'll say I felt: scared, overwhelmed, panicked, hurt. It's so hard to actually describe an emotion. Physiologically I remember my blood rushing, my head spinning with memories of pain caused by my Mom over the years. I remember feeling anger towards her for all the pain I had to endure, pain I didn't deserve, pain she could have protected me from, pain she didn't remember inflicting because she was drunk at the time she caused it. I remember the hugs feeling so superficial as if the hug lasting forever would get rid of the pain. Looking back now, those hugs were probably filled with guilt and yearnings for forgiveness.
I also remember walking out on my Mom many days where I'd plan to visit her, coming into town from where I live ten hours drive away and being disappointed because for some reason I'd always be hopeful that she would be sober when I saw her and she would almost always be drunk, slurring her words about how happy she is to see me yet unable to hold any type of normal conversation. She'd tell me how proud she is of me and how much she loves me but it would be the drunk Mom talking and the words felt empty. "I lovesez you" she'd say, in the language of a baby, her eyes staring right through me as she stumbled towards me. "I know" I'd quickly reply and then tell her how much I really just wanted to visit her sober, asking her if she could sober up so I could visit her the next day. Sometimes she'd follow that up with a self-pity speech about how horrible of a Mother she is and how she can't do anything right. Other times she'd end up in a corner talking like a baby in a way I couldn't even understand, mumbles. And then, I would walk away, tell her I'm leaving and that I love her but it hurts me too much to see her in such a condition. Sometimes this would throw her into a rage and I'd hear her yelling at me that she loves me as she smashed around her house. Sometimes this would be accompanied by her crying hysterically. It was a constant looping scenario. Every visit.
Now, visits are much different. She is very quiet, and often appears quite drugged up on her many medications. Some days she is completely zoned out. She speaks in slurs still and most often has something to tell me about that she is unhappy with. Nothing is every her doing though, always someone elses. On a good day she can focus her eyes and have semi-natural conversation with me although I never know what to talk to her about and I feel quite estranged to her. Its a very uncomfortable place for me. Before her alcoholism got really bad my Mom was the person I'd call when I had a bad day and I'd tell her all about it. She would be such a good listener and she'd always have something to say that made me feel better. I really miss those days. My Mom's social abilities seem to have deteriorated over the years, lately at an accellorated
I was not the most desirable daughter growing up. I was verbally abusive and knew all the right ways to hurt my Mom when I wanted to. I've written about the ways I've treated my Mom in a book I started awhile back. I won't go into too many details here because I'd like this blog to be the next chapter in the book and I don't want to repeat myself but I was not a nice person at all to her. I know this has affected the way things are now between my Mother and I. I am not the only one who is filled with painful memories. I'm sure that she is too. I don't know what my Mom thinks when she sees me. I've made apologies to her over the past few years and she just says she knows I am sorry. We never talk about it in depth, and maybe we should. I hold a lot of guilt for the way I treated my Mom, especially considering her condition today. I feel like I am responsible in a way for how she has turned out. If only I could have treated her better and been a better daughter, maybe she wouldn't have had to drink so much to deal with things. I can't change the past though. I guess I just need to find ways to live with it all.
I have this fear of becoming my Mother, a fear many people probably experience for various reasons. For me, its a fear of becoming an alcoholic, ruining everything I have worked for in life, and then living in the world of mental health issues. My Mom has been diagnosed with PTSD and depression which is a pretty accurate diagnoses from what I know of her and the symptoms I've seen develop over the years. She takes anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and a cocktail of other medications for her many physical health issues. I worry about my own health, and the drinking I've done over the years. I'm a binge drinker. I party. And when I'm alone and hungover I feel guilt for drinking, for not taking care of my body and drowning it in toxins. I actually just partied this weekend, my attempt at dealing with my partner moving back to New Zealand. We are still together. He hasn't left me (yet?), says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I can only trust that right now this is how he feels, whether it will continue this way or not.
I am going to make a commitment right now and here. No more drinking. I am going to quit for awhile. No set time frame but I'm focusing now on my health and on accepting life the way it is without having to drown it out. I start a meditation class tomorrow and hip hop dance on Thursday. I am finding ways to keep busy that are healthy for me. I'm hoping it will help me learn to be more stable, emotionally. Wish me luck
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