Reflections

It’s hard when life catches up with a person.  The darkest corners of closet floors exposed; doors feeling closed and little pieces of the past thrown in a massive heap just staring you in the face. Somehow each piece forms a bit of the whole you have become and the whole exists in fragments, like the inside of an orange with thin layers to keep each fragment separate from the next. Leaking out it got out of control for me, gushing anger: a surface emotion to hide behind.  I am no longer able to see my reflection in the mirror that I try so hard to be truthful to; the truth lost somewhere and the reflection itself seeming so surreal.  Unrecognizable, I ask myself nicely to be patient and remember.  Through emotional dysregulation, denial and fear I search for the real me but the clouds are dark and the weather in my head rains down my cheeks.  

Feeling Rejection and my ever-failing relationships

I can't deal with feelings of rejection.  Whether the rejection is real or only perceived, it doesn't make a difference.  My immediate action is to dissociate myself and bury it deep as I can get it to go but with my partner that doesn't work so well and it is one of those things that is starting to eat up our relationship.

So why do I feel so rejected in my romantic relationships?  For example:

1. I was talking to my partner and we were on our bikes and I was putting my helmet on as I was talking and he rode up ahead of me about 3 meters.  My automatic feeling was rejection and being unloved. 
2. Last night we had a relationship counselling appointment that I was feeling a bit unhappy about and not confident in and was telling my partner this at bedtime.  He didn't say anything to me in response, just laid there quiet.  My immediate thoughts were: this isn't even important to him, and that he is just falling asleep like its not a big deal. My immediate feelings were: loneliness, rejection, unloved.  I was scared that our relationship didn't matter to him and that my fear of him not being 100% sincere in wanting to be with me was true.  I wanted to be alone and run away as far as I could but he was in my bed and so I told him to leave and got fixated on asking him to leave, yelling at him to leave, telling him to FUCK OFF because he wouldn't leave and then he left telling me it was only because I told him to and not because he wanted to. After debriefing with my room mate I did go and lay with him and we both opened up to eachothe rand ended up going to bed together.
3. This morning I woke up feeling still so distant from my partner so after laying there thinking about it for 10 minutes I thought to myself, Okay, you have the power to change this, just roll over and kiss him.  When I rolled over I had accidentally poked him in the ribs so he grumped at me and again, my immediate feeling was that of rejection, then I got up and said to him he might as well continue masturbating and I could continue coping however I cope with not having sex because obviously nothing would be changing as far as the little amount we share intimacy.  I went downstairs to shower and get ready for work and he tried throughout the mornign to ask me what was wrong which made me angry becuase I thought I had been pretty clear on what was wrong.  I didn't feel like fighting so told him to leave me alone, it went on and on and then I just left for work with it left unresolved.

So why is rejection such a big deal anyways.  Like my roomate said last night to me, it only seems to affect me in my relationship with my boyfriend.  For everyone else who doesn't like me or my style I say fuck them all and go on being who I want to be.   And I'm generally happy with that. 

What are my experiences of rejection.....my counsellor is always saying "how did that make you feel"... and "just like when??"

JUST LIKE WHEN:

- always
- my Dad didn't talk to me for seven years regardless of my ongoing efforts to have him in my life
- none of my family would take me in when things didn't work out at home and I ended up living in care of the government
- i spent years living in a "safehouse" becuase not one foster home wanted me
- i got expelled constantly from school and told I couldn't go back
- i never felt i fit in during university because the criminology students all had a tight nit crowd and i wasn't one of them, so i joined in the student's union to make friends there
- i wanted to join basketball but got thrown off the team for getting in a fight, but i was fighting the girl because nobody in basketball liked me or talked to me.  I was the Indian girl who never had nice clothes to wear. Who would want to hang out with me???

REJECTION. 

Anxious and Unsure

From strong and confident to anxious and unsure. I don't know where the line is but its somewhere between today and a few days ago.  I think it got crossed this morning. 

It's time to take control.  No wonder this thing is called Borderline Personality Disorder. Its an ongoing fight to see which Me will come out on top.  On my "normal" days I feel so normal and then there are days like today where I am questioning my every thought and emotion. Days like today where I don't know which of my emotions are even true anymore.  Days like today where I wish it was yesterday.  I know that yesterday was real, and that the Me that existed there was real too but for some reason yesterday's Me seems so far away now and the Me of today is taking over. 

I DONT KNOW WHO I AM.

Last night I felt so numb laying beside the man I am supposed to be in love with.  He was there, perfectly him, and then there was me numb as can be and no reason to feel empty but still feeling completely empty. And I told him that I wasn't really feeling anything at the time and he he responded with a "why would you say that" and I told him becuase it was how I felt at the time.  I automatically shut down after that and just tried to fall asleep.  I wanted to be anywhere but there.  It wasn't that I stopped loving him or thinking he was absolutely amazing. I just feel that way at times and I don't understand it.  Logically, it doens't make sense but then again, do feelings ever make logical sense. They have got to be the most misleading, confusing things in existence...not that they are things as they are not tangible but I think you know what I mean. 

I FEEL NUMB SOMETIMES

I have this little voice inside my head that keeps telling me he is going to leave me so just get out while you can.  It's a constant battle between the strong, confident me from yesterday and the not so sure of myself me of this morning.  By afternoon, who knows how I'll feel.  Here I am going through immigration steps to move to a new country with him and I dont even know anymore if that's what he wants.  He says its what he wants but its so easy for him when he isn't giving up anything to say he wants it and then later on change his mind. I try to keep reminding myself that its okay if he changes his mind because in the end I only want him to be happy and if thats not with me then we shouldn't be together.  Telling yourself something is useless though if you don't actually believe it.  The fear itself never goes away completely.  No matter how many times I tell myself:

- He wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to be
- He loves me, and tells me that every day
- He does things to make life easier for me because he cares about me
- He is not a pig like other men can be. He is sincere and honest
- He wants to spend his life with me

I AM SCARED HE IS GOING TO ABANDON ME.

MAKE IT GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!

Denial

Not sure if its just denial but I am starting to feel strong again and remember who I am.  I'm beautiful and smart, and I survived everything the world threw at me: poverty, oppression, racism, abuse of all forms, neglect, abandonment, breaches of trust, and worst of all being surrounded by people who are supposed to love me and care for me and protect me and having very little of that present in my life.

So am I in denial that I have a mental health disorder, or am I just in this moment feeling strong.  What is really true in this world anyways when an individual's perception of something can change so quickly.  One moment I can feel vulnerable, and question the legitimacy of my emotions, thinking so hard about it that my whole body gets tense and my mind goes into freeze mode.  Other moments I feel so together and confident and sure of who I am and what I'm all about and everything makes complete sense in my head.  I don't know what causes these extremes but they come...and they go... as they please.

Today:  I feel strong, and confident.  I am happy with where I'm at in life and no matter where things end up for me, there is no way they could ever be as bad as they have been in my past so it's got to be an okay future on my horizon.

I am currently planning a move to New Zealand from Canada.  It's not the first time I've done this. I've lived there twice before. Once I was on a Working Holiday Visa (12 month stay) and the other time I was on a Student/Vistor's Visa (nine month stay).  Both times I went on my own either to work or go to school and travel.  Both times I fell in complete love with the country: the rolling hills and long beaches.  The green and blue and beauty in the clouds.  Aotearoa they say...land of the long clouds...and it is.  It's beautiful in NZ and when I'm there, I can be me.  Nobody there knows me to judge me, they take me as I am.

This trip is different.  Its not a trip at all.  I am applying for a work visa but the intention is for me to gain residency there.  And this time I am not going alone.  I am going with my partner who I met last time I was there and brought back to Canada with me.  The difference in this trip is that I am not just being ME.  This time it is WE who are moving and I am not alone on an adventure into the world. I am part of something bigger, something that is supposed to be the begining of the rest of my life.  A partnership.  One day maybe a marraige and kids, a farm.  It's intimidating, and limiting, and it's settling down.  I don't know how to settle down.  I am a person who goes and goes and goes and I rarely stop.  I am intimidated and I am experienceing fear when I think about this whole settling down in one place with one person thing.  I feel a loss of freedom. A loss of part of myself, and its an integral part of myself.  It's no wonder all these crazy emotions have come out over the past year.  It's not mental health. Its not a diagnosis.  It's a reality that maybe I'm not ready to enter.

On the Borderline this morning, complicated with depression, PTSD aside

They call it Borderline Personality Disorder.  I didn't match enough of the DSM's criteria for a diagnosis but the medication they suggested was to deal with the "symptoms" I have. I'm still processing this all, even three months after my meeting with the psychiatrist.  I keep going back and forth between acceptance of it and complete denial.  Part of this might be my fear of my own past.  Part of it might be that in fact there is nothing wrong with me, asides from my anger problem. 

Risk factors that can lead to Borderline Personality Disorder include: abandonment, disrupted family life, sexual abuse, poor communication in the family.  Treat your kids right or they'll end up fucked up. That's what I have to say about it all.  If these are the risk factors then I'd be considered high risk.  I'd like to round up all the adults from my childhood who have contributed to this monster I feel like today and give it all back to them.  But nope, they never have to live with it. It's not their problem. It's my problem. 

Emotional dysregulation.  Frequent displays of inappropriate anger, feelings of emptiness and boredom. A severe fear of being abandoned.  Repeated crisis or self injury. Intolerance of being alone.  Impulsiveness with money. This is my life.  I don't like it.  "Complications" include: depression, problems with work, family and social relationships, suicide attempts and actual suicide.  I must be complicated on top of it all because depression and suicidal ideations have been my rivals for years.  A constant battle to be in control. Don't let them win because the people who love you will loose the hardest. 

I used to be happy.  I used to be one of the happiest people I knew. I was alive and charismatic and people loved me.  I had so many friends that I'd be double booked at least one night of the week and have to make it work somehow.  I was always busy and involved in my commnity, volunteering, supporting local initiatives to make the world a better place.  Life was good, until I fell in love.  Apparently this shit comes out the strongest in relationships and this falling in love that I've gotten myself into explains so many things.  It explains why I couldn't keep a relationship over the past 8 years and why I was who I was in my past relationship which somehow lasted four years. It explains the anger outbursts of things that don't matter and the loneliness that I feel even when I'm with someone who I love and who loves me back. 

I feel like shit this morning.  Yelling at him, telling him to disapear out of my life.  Calling him an idiot.  It's the perceptions I have of myself coming out:

• I'm stupid
• I don't know what I'm talking about
• I am not worth being with
• I am going to be alone forever

There are so many more.  They swirl around in my head like a big nest full of wasps that I'm afraid to approach. 

I know, address it or it will always be there right.  I feel so trapped.

My Stats

On this day I am 28 years old.  I am female and I live in Canada.  I have a University education and completed law school but haven't pursued the life of law which is something I may one day get into on here but it won't be today.

I grew up in care of the government and somehow learned to be resilient enough to make it out alive.  So many of my "roommates" or other "residents" in the homes I grew up in weren't so lucky.  The problem is that now I live in two worlds and they don't mesh so great.  I am lost somewhere between my past and my present and still trying to find that path into the future.  I feel a great sense of disconnect in life, and as Michael Franti sings in one of his songs "the more I see the less I know."

Where trauma meets triumph I sit with an open heart and a bogged down brain. Too many things to think about tonight but this is only a beginning.