So why do I feel so rejected in my romantic relationships? For example:
- I was talking to my partner and we were on our bikes and I was putting my helmet on as I was talking and he rode up ahead of me about 3 meters. My automatic feeling was rejection and being unloved.
- Last night we had a relationship counselling appointment that I was feeling a bit unhappy about and not confident in and was telling my partner this at bedtime. He didn't say anything to me in response, just laid there quiet. My immediate thoughts were: this isn't even important to him, and that he is just falling asleep like its not a big deal. My immediate feelings were: loneliness, rejection, unloved. I was scared that our relationship didn't matter to him and that my fear of him not being 100% sincere in wanting to be with me was true. I wanted to be alone and run away as far as I could but he was in my bed and so I told him to leave and got fixated on asking him to leave, yelling at him to leave, telling him to FUCK OFF because he wouldn't leave and then he left telling me it was only because I told him to and not because he wanted to. After debriefing with my room mate I did go and lay with him and we both opened up to eachothe rand ended up going to bed together.
- This morning I woke up feeling still so distant from my partner so after laying there thinking about it for 10 minutes I thought to myself, Okay, you have the power to change this, just roll over and kiss him. When I rolled over I had accidentally poked him in the ribs so he grumped at me and again, my immediate feeling was that of rejection, then I got up and said to him he might as well continue masturbating and I could continue coping however I cope with not having sex because obviously nothing would be changing as far as the little amount we share intimacy. I went downstairs to shower and get ready for work and he tried throughout the mornign to ask me what was wrong which made me angry becuase I thought I had been pretty clear on what was wrong. I didn't feel like fighting so told him to leave me alone, it went on and on and then I just left for work with it left unresolved.
What are my experiences of rejection.....my counsellor is always saying "how did that make you feel"... and "just like when??"
JUST LIKE WHEN:
- always
- my Dad didn't talk to me for seven years regardless of my ongoing efforts to have him in my life
- none of my family would take me in when things didn't work out at home and I ended up living in care of the government
- i spent years living in a "safehouse" becuase not one foster home wanted me
- i got expelled constantly from school and told I couldn't go back
- i never felt i fit in during university because the criminology students all had a tight nit crowd and i wasn't one of them, so i joined in the student's union to make friends there
- i wanted to join basketball but got thrown off the team for getting in a fight, but i was fighting the girl because nobody in basketball liked me or talked to me. I was the Indian girl who never had nice clothes to wear. Who would want to hang out with me???
REJECTION.
Well. I guess you have a lot of "making things good" sex. So there is a pro!
ReplyDeleteWell, I feel for you. I have a borderline girlfriend, or had and I understand you. These feelings come up with no warning and are intense at least she told me. From my side however, I have the feeling that it doesn't matter how well I do, how many times I say I love her, how many times it shows that I do. It seems that it simply doens't stick and that the last thing I do examplifies who I am. And thus the relationship is inherently not equal: I always remember who she is over the years, but certainly under stress she does not and devaluates me to the last thing I did. Suffice to say she simply left me, because I did one thing wrong in her eyes (and very right in everybody elses) met another guy in a matter of a week and now is hooked up on him. She seems to have lost all empathy towards me just like that too....Until he "fails". So I am sad now and will recover, she of course won't and that is pretty sad. I hope you find a therapist that lets you recover, It seems possible, but it wil take you a whole lot of effort. Al the best!
Oh and here is a tip from Linehan: react opposit to the way you feel. Seems to be vbery hard but helpfull.
ReplyDeleteI know it is difficult but I think the problem with people wihtBPD is that they SEEM so selfconsumed, so mixed up in their fellings that for others there is so little room. How many times did your boyfriend react on whatever you said? How many times is he the centre because of his insecurities. So I see that on one hand it is difficult to change yourself. That is understadable, but dwelling on the best (however right you may be) does not make things anything better. May be you can try not to constantly think about what anyone is doing to you, but also what you can do for others and what yourbehaviour does to others..And that it indeed IS important what collegues and above all your spouse thinks....My experience with my BPD GF is that she sems to be quite narcissistic in that everything evolve around her, people are not allowed to reject her, critisize her, strongly disagree with her, be angry with her. She consitently wants empathy and understanding, precisely the things she does not give to others at all...In this way, you are sure to get in trouble in relationships. Empathy is key here.
Still: good luck. You an change 9and no one around you will btw).