Anxious and Unsure

From strong and confident to anxious and unsure. I don't know where the line is but its somewhere between today and a few days ago.  I think it got crossed this morning. 

It's time to take control.  No wonder this thing is called Borderline Personality Disorder. Its an ongoing fight to see which Me will come out on top.  On my "normal" days I feel so normal and then there are days like today where I am questioning my every thought and emotion. Days like today where I don't know which of my emotions are even true anymore.  Days like today where I wish it was yesterday.  I know that yesterday was real, and that the Me that existed there was real too but for some reason yesterday's Me seems so far away now and the Me of today is taking over. 

I DONT KNOW WHO I AM.

Last night I felt so numb laying beside the man I am supposed to be in love with.  He was there, perfectly him, and then there was me numb as can be and no reason to feel empty but still feeling completely empty. And I told him that I wasn't really feeling anything at the time and he he responded with a "why would you say that" and I told him becuase it was how I felt at the time.  I automatically shut down after that and just tried to fall asleep.  I wanted to be anywhere but there.  It wasn't that I stopped loving him or thinking he was absolutely amazing. I just feel that way at times and I don't understand it.  Logically, it doens't make sense but then again, do feelings ever make logical sense. They have got to be the most misleading, confusing things in existence...not that they are things as they are not tangible but I think you know what I mean. 

I FEEL NUMB SOMETIMES

I have this little voice inside my head that keeps telling me he is going to leave me so just get out while you can.  It's a constant battle between the strong, confident me from yesterday and the not so sure of myself me of this morning.  By afternoon, who knows how I'll feel.  Here I am going through immigration steps to move to a new country with him and I dont even know anymore if that's what he wants.  He says its what he wants but its so easy for him when he isn't giving up anything to say he wants it and then later on change his mind. I try to keep reminding myself that its okay if he changes his mind because in the end I only want him to be happy and if thats not with me then we shouldn't be together.  Telling yourself something is useless though if you don't actually believe it.  The fear itself never goes away completely.  No matter how many times I tell myself:

- He wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to be
- He loves me, and tells me that every day
- He does things to make life easier for me because he cares about me
- He is not a pig like other men can be. He is sincere and honest
- He wants to spend his life with me

I AM SCARED HE IS GOING TO ABANDON ME.

MAKE IT GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!