On the Borderline this morning, complicated with depression, PTSD aside

They call it Borderline Personality Disorder.  I didn't match enough of the DSM's criteria for a diagnosis but the medication they suggested was to deal with the "symptoms" I have. I'm still processing this all, even three months after my meeting with the psychiatrist.  I keep going back and forth between acceptance of it and complete denial.  Part of this might be my fear of my own past.  Part of it might be that in fact there is nothing wrong with me, asides from my anger problem. 

Risk factors that can lead to Borderline Personality Disorder include: abandonment, disrupted family life, sexual abuse, poor communication in the family.  Treat your kids right or they'll end up fucked up. That's what I have to say about it all.  If these are the risk factors then I'd be considered high risk.  I'd like to round up all the adults from my childhood who have contributed to this monster I feel like today and give it all back to them.  But nope, they never have to live with it. It's not their problem. It's my problem. 

Emotional dysregulation.  Frequent displays of inappropriate anger, feelings of emptiness and boredom. A severe fear of being abandoned.  Repeated crisis or self injury. Intolerance of being alone.  Impulsiveness with money. This is my life.  I don't like it.  "Complications" include: depression, problems with work, family and social relationships, suicide attempts and actual suicide.  I must be complicated on top of it all because depression and suicidal ideations have been my rivals for years.  A constant battle to be in control. Don't let them win because the people who love you will loose the hardest. 

I used to be happy.  I used to be one of the happiest people I knew. I was alive and charismatic and people loved me.  I had so many friends that I'd be double booked at least one night of the week and have to make it work somehow.  I was always busy and involved in my commnity, volunteering, supporting local initiatives to make the world a better place.  Life was good, until I fell in love.  Apparently this shit comes out the strongest in relationships and this falling in love that I've gotten myself into explains so many things.  It explains why I couldn't keep a relationship over the past 8 years and why I was who I was in my past relationship which somehow lasted four years. It explains the anger outbursts of things that don't matter and the loneliness that I feel even when I'm with someone who I love and who loves me back. 

I feel like shit this morning.  Yelling at him, telling him to disapear out of my life.  Calling him an idiot.  It's the perceptions I have of myself coming out:

• I'm stupid
• I don't know what I'm talking about
• I am not worth being with
• I am going to be alone forever

There are so many more.  They swirl around in my head like a big nest full of wasps that I'm afraid to approach. 

I know, address it or it will always be there right.  I feel so trapped.